Some people are normal. They get up, work out, eat a nice breakfast, go to work, work really hard, and go home. Then they either watch TV and go to bed, or they spend time with their family. Normal people also take what life hands them. They deal well with stress, they are primarily reactive to their surroundings, and they don’t ponder what “could have been” or think back about “if only I had…” whatever. They are especially engaged in conversation, and show a genuine interest in what you say.

I have met very few of these people, but I hear they are out there. I also hear that everyone else envies them. If you are “normal,” congratulations. You are a rarity, and therefore a paradox.

If, however, that is NOT you, then welcome to my world. I care a lot about other people. It isn’t that I don’t care. I just basically have no filter in my mind. You know how some people just talk and talk and talk and don’t know when to shut up, and even say really inappropriate things before realizing that they just heard that come from their own mouth? Then a friend says, “Gosh, I’m sorry guys…she has no filter…” Well my mind is like that. My mouth, at some point, got disconnected from my brain enough that I am able to at least appear like I am listening (and I am trying to, believe me). But 90% of the time, I am not entirely present wherever I am. I am somewhere inside the vast, dystopian abyss that is my mind.

Here is a little bit of what it is like to be me:

  • Wake up. Think, “Oh my gosh, that was the weirdest dream ever…” and experience about 3/10 of a second of peace before mentality tripping over reality and finding something insignificant to stress about.
  • Spend a few minutes of restless drifting between dreaming and waking, in which you try to convince yourself that the world isn’t so bad and that your day really won’t be all that stressful after all.
  • Try to concentrate, so you can think of the name of that song playing over the loudspeaker in the grocery store–only to finally wake up and realize it was your alarm and you are still in bed. And it is your favorite song, but for some reason dream-you didn’t recognize it.
  • Get up, put on a cool shirt you forgot you had, brush your teeth with toothpaste that for some reason looks like a tie-dye version of–
  • Wake up. That was a dream too. This is probably why you are always 5-10 minutes late to work. It is also why that shirt looked cool. You lost it 6 years ago and you still miss it.
  • Get up for real, get dressed, pack a lunch, leave the house in time to stop behind the school bus every 8 feet for the next 11 miles.
  • Turn on your audio book, because you may as well make the most out of the 52 minute drive to work (that one isn’t an exaggeration).
  • Space out thinking about the molecular composition of trees, and how nanotechnology could revolutionize the medical field, among many other things. Seriously, if we could modify elements on an atomic level by recombining them into other elements, we could create food out of water, or purify water very cheaply, or basically do whatever we could imagine because we could basically play Minecraft with molecules and build whatever we wanted! Just think about the implications! Maybe I should have stuck with science because–
  • Realize your audio book is still playing and you have no idea who is talking or why they sound like something important just happened; rewind to discover your attention span is no better this time. Three tries later you still don’t know, as now your full attention is devoted to solving world hunger.
  • Give up and play some music you can tune out while you keep thinking intently.
  • Realize your mind is totally blank now, and the ambient music is making you sleepy.
  • Spend the rest of your day doing the same thing, especially when people are talking to you or telling you important things. Remember the ’90s Nickelodeon cartoon Doug? And how he would day dream about some scenario and wake up to realize that he was in school and everyone was laughing at him? Yea I can’t believe that doesn’t still happen to everyone.

I would love to pretend that all that is normal. Maybe it is. Or maybe I have some other problem. I have heard that people whose minds go crazy like mine are just extremely intelligent.

I’ve also heard its a common trait in children with autism and a lot of sociopaths. I think I’ll go with “above average intelligence.”

To anyone still reading, thanks for tuning in. To meet me in person, you would think I was shy and quiet. It is much more likely that I am analyzing everything about you and everyone else in the room, writing a song in my head, wondering what it would be like to NOT have a constant stream of thought exploding through my brain like a train wreck, and occasionally actually hearing what you say. If any of this has made you think, “wait, what? Is that a typo? Did I read that right? Why did he say that? This is confusing…” Well, welcome to the inside of my head. Hopefully that explains a lot.